Feminist Fred

I’ve noticed, through the years of reading Twisty Faster’s hilarious blog, that we are periodically inflicted with scientific studies about sex that are hopelessly biased and constructed around misogynistic premisses, like “Why are women so dumb?” or “Why won’t teh women fucks us a lot likes we wants to feck them, huh? Huh?”

Lately I’ve been perusing the Science Daily site, so I decided to look at some of the recent sex studies. They were all quite stupid, as usual, and I finally noticed why, because seeing a bunch of them together revealed a universal weakness that struck me instantly. Most of them were studies of arousal based on responses to porn.

I’m a man, so it’s not at all difficult for me to imagine the high level of sniggering and wisecracking that passes for science when these pornsick pervs are postulating their theories. “God, bisexual bitches are so hot! Let’s study them.” says lead scientist Misogynist Mike. “But are there enough sufficiently hot bi-sexual bitches out there for us to study?” asks his colleague, Pornsick Pat. “There seems to be a mysterious paucity of pornified bimbos out there willing to perform hot three-ways with their girlfriends, if my own experience is any indication.”

“I’ve got it,” says supergenius Misogynist Mike, chest swelling with virility and male pride, “Let’s do a study where we show hot lesbo porn and hot straight porn to a bunch of girls and see how many of them show arousal at both!” And a study was born, of the desires and porn-centric worldview of a few academic creeps.

What about some studies that show that all our ideas about arousal come from porn? We are taught, from birth, that arousal is created by superficial and artificial emphasis on graphic representations of women who never existed becoming aroused and doing things that indicate an almost insane need for them to debase themselves in order to achieve sexual satisfaction that could come from far simpler sources. Why not some studies that examine why sex with dignity and love is actually not arousing, while sex that is degrading is? And how did we learn to be aroused at what arouses us?

I used to argue that arousal causes male behavior, but feminist theory has opened my eyes to the far more fundamental question: What teaches us to be aroused by what?

I have to also add that sexual arousal seems to be like a Pandora’s Box, where, once you have learned something arouses you, you can’t really ever completely deny this arousal ever again.

Male sexuality, according to studies, is less bisexual than female. The explanation that comes to my mind is simple and probably difficult to disprove: Women are exposed to tons of lesbian pornography if they are straight, whereas men rarely even see gay porn. Where are the studies that show us how men who repeatedly view gay porn think of sex?

A world where our girlfriends constantly badger us into looking at gay and straight porn mixed together doesn’t exist for men. If it did, I think some studies could clear up this particular difference between the sexes quickly.

I’m beginning to sense a drift in the Patriarchal Borg mind. It’s one with the swift drift toward ever more violent and degrading pornography. It mirrors the now solid acceptance of the once-deplored vice of casino gambling. One glances toward Nevada, and one sees a horrific door opening up to a dystopian future I think of as Porn World.

The drift has become slightly easier to see because of the late scandal of Governor Spitzer, who was caught using prostitutes for evacuating his foul seed into. Such a scandal causes all the manly men, like my friends Misogynist Mike and Pornsick Pat, to instantly wallow in the freedom of constant fantasies of endless supplies of porn star looking prostituted women everywhere. And cheap enough for them, too.

Mike says to Pat, “What’s the big deal? A guy’s got to have some warm place to blow his wad into, doesn’t he? The problem is that it isn’t cheap enough, if you ask me.”

“If I was a girl, hell, I’d do it in a minute!” Pat replies, nodding sagely in his infinite understanding of how women would really think if they just had as much sense as men, “It’s just hypocritical bullshit, women not charging for sex. Hell, they make you pay out the ass for dinner and a show and then make you feel like a jerk just because you try to get them to reciprocate with a little blow job or something. It’s nothing but a fuckin’ racket!”

Mike nods in total agreement, even though neither one of them can even remember the last time they actually went out on a date matching that description. Pat usually confines his dates to the stacks of porn DVDs or a lengthy cruise through increasingly vile internet sites, while Mike prefers to date rape girls he bullies away from their girlfriends at singles bars.

“They’ll never get rid of it!” Mike says, “It’s the world’s oldest profession! It’s just bullshit prohibition, and you know that never works. They oughta just legalize it and get it over with.”

They look at each other in apelike delight. Why, it makes perfect sense! It’s not like you can try to stop manly men from trying every kind of coercion imaginable to use women sexually anyway. A man’s freedom to make women obedient to his sexual whims is the most important freedom of all, when you think about it.

“If it was legal, just think how cheap it would get.” Pat noted.

“Every whore out there would immediately start charging for it outright, instead of just insisting you buy them drinks and dinner. It would be a buyer’s market.” Mike added eagerly.

“They legalized gambling, didn’t they? And it’s already legal in Nevada. Hell, it’s just around the corner.” Pat rhapsodized. Let’s leave our two anti-heroes to their dick-swelling bliss and return to the world of real women.

Does anyone out there have any doubt that this coming? The next step towards fulfilling male privilege must be legalizing prostitution. Reducing women to objects has already been advancing quite nicely, with women scared into conforming to alien beauty norms, modeling themselves after porn stars and Bratz Dolls, exercising on stripper poles, and in millions of other examples. The next step in expanding male privilege is legalizing prostitution, so that men can enjoy even more unfettered access to using women, with even less choice in the matter for the women involved.