A Rare Post About Femininity
I have male parts dangling down there somewhere, so I try, I really try! not to comment on the enormous struggle women suffer to liberate themselves from oppression. Especially the struggle with femininity, which the radical feminist will decry and denounce from time to time.
Since I have no first hand experience with being female and suffering the oppression of male dominance, I prefer to let the women talk to the women about these issues, since they know best what feels right and should be able to understand better than I how to communicate helpfully to women who struggle with the desire to dress feminine in a world that rewards femininity and punishes the rejection of it, sometimes brutally, sometimes subtly.
In my last post I referenced the excellent blog I Blame The Patriarchy, where I started my studies of gender under the tender, witty tutelage of Twisty Faster, perhaps the most amusing and creative feminist writer who has ever lived. With scorn, sarcasm, wordplay and insight, she changed me, single handedly, from a normal pornsick dude who aspired to being a nice guy to an outraged person who aspires to a state of humanity devoid as possible of the turgid trappings of masculinity that never fit me anyway. Thanks to her I started to read the classics of radical feminist thought and found myself rethinking everything.
In this same post, Twisty’s commentariat, who have collectively taught me even more than Twisty, came back once again to the knotty and deep problem of women rejecting femininity. Twisty had made an off-hand comment asking women to at least reject some small bit of feminine baggage to show some feeling for the plight of women being killed the world over for the sake of the same system that condones killing our sisters.
There’s not much to be said about men killing women outright out of pure hatred for women. But asking women to reject femininity is harder to swallow, and leads to some real problems in the home, in the workplace, on the street. One commentator threw up her hands at the idea because a woman will be raped just as readily in rags as in stilettos. The feeling of helplessness was palpable.
Short hair, short nails, jeans and t-shirts, hairy legs, hairy pits, no make up, getting up, showering and ready. It’s so easy. Maybe you need to shave the legs - nobody wants to be stared at. The rest of it is below the radar, nobody really notices. Depending on the body shape, people can still tell you’re a woman.
I’m not saying to do it. But rejecting femininity is rejecting a lot of crap you have to buy and things you have to do. It’s not difficult, because it is verifiably easier. You find your comfort spot along the continuum from girly girl to unadorned human and that’s it.
The argument that you’re just as liable to be raped dressed up as dressed down doesn’t make sense to me. The real crime is that men, in their insufferable dominance, have staked out the unadorned human look for themselves and women comply with this ownership by continuing to regard this look as not feminine enough or even masculine.
September 1st, 2008 at 6:40 am
“The argument that you’re just as liable to be raped dressed up as dressed down”
not only does it not make sense, it implies that the only reason to dress one way or another would be to avoid rape. Yes, rape is a very real issue that affects every part of our lives, but that does not mean we should allow the threat of it to affect our every decision. If none of us stand against the flow then we can build no strength against the rapist mentality — the idea that by wearing clothing that fits or does not fit the ideal, we are giving consent to be used sexually. When we catch ourselves living in fear of rape, we need to try to find a way to break free of it; if we don’t, we are giving away our power. If we allow rapists to dictate our clothing choices, we are allowing them to invade our lives even when they are not violating us sexually.
September 1st, 2008 at 6:42 am
I haven’t shaved in years — and nobody ever stares. That fear comes from a habit of comparing. If I go around looking at all other women and rating them in comparison to myself, then I will expect them to do the same to me, and I will see that in every glance. However, if I appreciate everyone as beautiful for being unique, then I will expect the same admiration from others, and when people glance at me that is what I will see.
As far as ‘feminine’ accessories, I’ve got the short hair, short nails, hairy legs, hairy pits, no fake-natural makeup like concealer (if I’ve got a pimple, I’m not going to hide it because WOMEN GET THEM TOO) — if I wear makeup it is wildly colorful and hides no ‘flaw’, no hair products, no bras, no girdles or control-top anything, no fancy shoes (I have one pair of tennis shoes which is all I ever wear).
I’ve been tempted to hide my shape and wear only that which is androgynous, but I find those clothes uncomfortable and inexpressive. I decided that just like I should not let ideas of ‘femininity’ decide what I SHOULD wear, I should also not let them decide what I SHOULDN’T wear. So I wear strappy tops that give me a little support so that I can comfortably go braless, and most of the time I wear skirts. I think that my hairiness and mismatched socks and tennis shoes contradict the ‘femininity’ of the skirt enough to give a categorizer a headache. Not to mention that pants made to fit my size and hips are, in my mind, more ‘feminine’ than skirts, because of the restrictiveness of them.
On jeans — they’re considered androgynous but they are NOT. Most women who wear them wear tight-enough-to-be-a-corset, slim-you-down, restrict-your-movement-and-breathing jeans. Men wear comfortable jeans that don’t squeeze anything — these are very very very different items that have in common only the fact that they are made from denim. Now if women wore ‘men’s’ (aka comfortable & useful) jeans, that would be a step up. But the fact is that women’s fashion tends toward anything that restricts or cripples (such as high heels), and jeans are a very strong example of this. I used to wear jeans so tight they made me numb from bellybutton to knees — no more. I made myself a promise years ago that I will never again wear restrictive or uncomfortable clothing. I think that if women simply changed to that which is comfortable, most women would have to change out at least 3/4ths of their wardrobe.
September 1st, 2008 at 6:44 am
btw I syndicated you on LJ so I could easily keep up with you
http://syndicated.livejournal.com/feministfred/
September 1st, 2008 at 7:49 am
My wife is a red head with near to no body hair at all. Yet she still shaves her legs because she’s afraid people will see her tiny, invisible hair.
I was using shorthand for clothing that means nothing feminine, of course, but have since realized that we have different upper body issues that need to be addressed for comfort, too. Some of the looser parts of our bodies like to be cradled or supported when we need to move around a lot.