I had some comments about Your Nigel, and of course they were about someone’s else’s Nigel. I have to define Your Nigel for the sake of the many who aren’t aware of feminist in jokes.
Every woman with a boyfriend, lover, roommate, brother, father, or husband has, in that person, a Nigel of their own. He is a person who that woman believes is much too nice to be lumped in with the rest of the Misogynist Mikes, Pornsick Pats, and general male population. The savvy feminist knows, however, that all men are misogynists, and a huge percentage of them – maybe more than 90%, are at least tolerant of porn of some kind, if only the porn to be found anywhere in a sex-saturated culture such as ours. It’s all a matter of degree, of course, but the fact that we live in a misogynist world, where no woman can be considered equal to a man in every way, makes this something you can’t consciously avoid.
In the words of the immortal Twisty Faster, I Blame The Patriarchy.
Since everyone has a different Nigel, I would like to hear about yours. Nigels are usually very good people, but they are resistant to feminist talk. As the commenter noted, her Nigel is unsettled by feminist thought. The idea that he might be in some way wrong about his generally favorable view of the world is distressing to him. That is so Nigel!
I’m going to try to write in the voices of these characters, and hope that I can also pick them apart, together with you. By using this kind of socratic dialog, we will try to understand why and how these men think, and develop ways to make them understand that it’s OK to look at the world from another viewpoint that isn’t that of white male privilege. Black male privilege, too, though that’s an even more difficult mind to understand, since black men have to deal with their own oppression, too.
rafalah | 05-Oct-07 at 6:09 pm | Permalink
It is an interesting idea…One of my favorite books is “The Alphabet vs the Goddess” by Leonard Shlain. In this book the author takes on the written word (ie literacy) and links it to the annihilation of goddess worship.
When homosapiens kept track of their culture with stories (oral) female dieties were common. Once the written word took over, not only did god suddenly require a penis but females were all but obliterated in all areas of worship.
OK–it seems I am out on a tangent, but this site seems to be trying to recreate some sort of story telling, iconic truth seeking by making up characters who represent certain huMAN characteristics. All these characters could be speaking out loud, like Uncle Remus, in a story like way to speak their thoughts and convey a truth.
I linked to this site from I blame the patriarchy and tb, it isn’t lame. I decided to log in only after I read all the posts.
I do have some questions: Who is writing this? Is it you, or your Nigel? Is my Nigel supposed to log in and read this and comment? I mean, are Nigels your target audience here?
I chose to step on in the Nigel comment because I am a female who is not a homosexual, so I my choices are limited to sex with a misogynist or masturbation. I really envy women who can emotionally and sexually bond only with other woman—how simple their lives are when it comes to men.
Anyway, I think this site is ambitious and a little ambiguous and hard to follow. Who is speaking to who?
I’ll check back. Thanks.
Fred | 06-Oct-07 at 7:15 am | Permalink
I’m writing everything on this blog in different voices. This introductory post, like the other two, is written in the voice of Feminist Fred. I don’t know if I’ll be able to pull this off. I like your stories versus word association – it sounds like what I’m would like very much. I tend to just rant, and want to avoid it if I can.
It’s easy to be feminist Fred when you are older – I’m pushing fifty – and you are in love with and married to a strong, relatively undamaged woman with a strong sense of self, and have a toddler girl you love and care for. The peculiar thing is how much easier it is to be a man who identifies with feminism than to be a woman who needs love, surrounded by men who are in their own hormonal crapstorm and thus prone to sexism, since our sexuality is defined in sexist terms.
I wish I could give decent advice to the lovelorn feminist woman sometimes. What can you say? I’m too in love with even flawed people to ever reject them completely for the sake of ideology. I’m just a puppy dog that way.
My hope is that we will all gather and share ideas on how to improve the consciousness of Our Nigels without triggering their kneejerk defensiveness. It must be possible to improve ourselves and share our beliefs without the discussion turning to problems of the past that will never be resolved, but instead focussing on where we could be if we considered things as possibilities that are easily attainable.
Raising women’s consciousness is the important duty of feminism and the natural authority of women in sharing this with each other is something I believe. Raising men’s consciousness is important to me, and might be to women who tire of the ignorant sexism of men who really should know better. That’s where I think I can help, and where we can all help each other.
Louise | 06-Oct-07 at 7:42 am | Permalink
Societies that have female deities are not feminist. There is no evidence that women are better treated in societies where goddess worship occurs. Men do not make a connection between goddesses and mortal women. You only have to look at cultures that have goddesses today to observe this. India is awash with goddesses, but anyone who thinks that Indian is a feminist society would have to be completely away with the fairies. And Japan is, as far as I am aware, the only country in the world that has a supreme deity who is female (the sun goddess Amaterasu, from whom th eEmperor of Japan is supposedly descended), but Japan is not a noticably feminist country.
I read that book ‘the Alphabet versus the goddess’ and I found it quite breathtakingly sexist. The implication that reading and writing are exclusively masculine occupations outraged me. It’s a wonder that the author didn’t recommend that women shouldn’t learn to read in order to preserve their ‘feminine intuition’. yuk! Anyway, it’s bollocks to suggest that the invention of writing was somehow a disaster for women, all societies are patriarchial, always have been, and I think probably always will be. it is nature that has given men the upper hand, and though civilisation can go some way to redress the imbalance, I don’t think you’re ever going to have perfect equality, because life isn’t like that.
Louise
rafalah | 06-Oct-07 at 4:57 pm | Permalink
To Louise: I liked the book for a lot of different reasons–mainly because the author took on religion and attempted to explain why god has a penis. I don’t know that I read ANY BOOK on ANY TOPIC without having to wade through a great deal of cultural and personal baggage ANY author drags into their interpretation of their world through their story. But I usually can find something worthwhile–if nothing else, to just reinforce my personal beliefs and to feel more comfortable dismissing the absurdity of the author’s world view (think Ann Coulter…) Anyway, while I agree this book did get bogged down with right brain left brain pseudoscience I didn’t think Shlain ever purported that goddess worship was a way back to restoring female rights, only that the disapperance of female dieties seemed to go hand in hand with the rise of literacy—-which kind of makes India an intersesting topic. As far as I know, India still has a less than 50% literacy rate for it’s population and that is of course, mostly male. Your example of Japan of course makes your point—but again. I don’t think your point was Shlains. I’ll have to re-read that book!
To Fred: I can only identify with your purpose here by talking about racism. I am white. My Nigel is not. As someone who lives with the privilege of white skin, I continually feel the frustration of trying to pretend I EMPATHIZE with my Nigel; because I really can’t know, can I? I can opt in and out of the constant battle. And when I am not with him, I can totally pass. I get to take a break from racism. He does not.
I really do understand trying to educate us all (men in your case,white people in my parallel example) but I don’t know. I know I have anything to say to the Non-Caucasion community. As far as the white skinned community–well. It is exhausting and I don’t know if anything I ever say or do does anything other than shine a light on an ugly part of every white person’s life.
I’ll keep reading here, though. Good luck!
Notorious Ph.D. | 06-Oct-07 at 8:09 pm | Permalink
For many hetero women (myself included), I think the Nigel dilemma is similar to what you and the commenters have laid out here. In many cases, willful blindness to the less-than-feminist practices of our Nigels is the only thing that keeps us sane, because there is little alternative. The problem is that Nigel is a One of the Good Guys (i.e., NOT Mysogynist Mike); therefore, if you, as a wife/girlfriend force yourself to face up to what he’s really about, you’re a picky bitch who is going to die alone.
I also find Nigel really the saddest of all your guys, because I think he really believes he treats women well. Nigel is unexamined male privilege personified.
Again, this is my Nigel. Actual milage on your Nigel may vary.
Fred | 07-Oct-07 at 1:56 pm | Permalink
Oh, Notorious, I’m so glad you are helping me here. Unexamined male privilege personified! That’s such a great, succinct definition for most Nigels, and I also feel a twinge of recognition when I read it. Because even though I’ve been prone to being a feminist all my life, I have spent most of it with no intention of examining my own privileges.
I should hope that any Nigel can be improved. Like most men, you have to avoid the minefields of conflict that put men into competitive game mode. It’s not a game, or a debate that can be won; it’s truth that is unexamined.
My method with men – and how much easier it is to for men to teach other men about things they are deaf to from women, because men are all somewhat sexist – is to make one quick statement of fact when I notice sexism and leave it at that.
A Nigel who wants to learn about feminism can do so. But it takes years and years for a man to even start to understand what seems like simple obvious truth to me. There’s not a whole world of influences out there nudging him towards feminism. On the contrary.
The simple truth that men are valued more than women is the single hardest thing to get any man to admit, despite a world designed to regard women as nothing more than nurturers and sex providers.
Zee | 08-Oct-07 at 6:22 am | Permalink
My Nigel says feminism is a ‘girl thing’. Once I’ve stopped throwing all the household items I can find at his head I explain to him that the prevalence of Nigels who believe that to be true is actually the biggest reason that a feminist movement is required.
He nodded sagely and once again hit ‘StumbleUpon’.
No matter. He will learn. Or go away.
Fred, it’s a good thing you are doing here – writing in a multitude of voices is going to be tricky and there are bound to be times when something doesn’t quite ’sit right’. Nevertheless, press on and you’ll get into a flow soon enough.
Speaking as those ‘types’ may give some men insight into their behaviour/thought patterns that they might not get from other ways of writing. If they can identify with some of what you write as those ‘types’ then they may be encouraged to look more closely at their other behaviours.
I’m adding you to my site because I have a circle of friends that comprises a number of Nigels and one or two of the less savoury types. I’m pleased as punch to be able to point them in the direction of a site that’s talking directly to them and shows them feminism isn’t just a ‘girl thing’.
Looking forward to reading more soon. Any room in your character set for a ‘type’ such as yourself? Older, wiser, enlightened and feeling the benefit of that enlightenment in a more joyful life?
Zee
ermingarde | 09-Oct-07 at 9:44 am | Permalink
Hello Fred,
Thanks for starting this blog! Thanks, also, for the link to Dizzy, she’s great too. I love Twisty and I miss her, but she is so ferocious–I love her ferociousness, I wouldn’t want her to be any other way–I find I post mainly on the forum. The forum is wonderful, but huge, and I seem to have committed some thread-killing faux pas. Oops. I don’t think I would ever have the courage to address Twisty directly in Comments. Also, being a heterosexual and having a husband, I do feel that I end up compromising with a misogynist sometimes. I would love to discuss how to get through to My Nigel in a safe place with other feminists who love/put up with/tear their hair out over/are Nigels. It must be lovely to be thick-skinned, I must confess I don’t think I can claim the title. Thanks again!
Fred | 09-Oct-07 at 10:27 am | Permalink
Feminist Fred is me; older, married, with a tiny girl. All of my failings and features are his. Like any alter ego, he is both what I think I am and what I think I would be if I were different. In Fred’s case, he is better than me. In the case of all the others they are aspects of men I dislike and try to avoid being.
It’s a tricky thing. I hope nobody expects perfection. I’ll do my best.
I guess this blog would be a good place to work out ways of dealing with men. I Blame The Patriarchy, the blog where I learned much of what little I know about feminism, is more aimed towards women understanding their problems.
One of the best things about IBTP is how it can help women stop blaming themselves for the confusion they feel in the cultural brainwashing they get every day in a hundred subtle ways. Reading about women who start to get how this affects them, and the raw emotions it unleashed, taught me not to discount too easily these feelings simply because I don’t feel them.