I think it is just as damaging for a child to learn that ze is better than others by simple fact of body shape/skin/size as it is for a child to learn that ze is lesser. Do you know what I mean? obviously the oppressor has all the material perks, but they aren’t really positive when you consider the price of harming others. Hm. I feel like I am not explaining this very well. I suppose it comes down to a philosophy of mine — that by harming others you yourself are harmed, and that one cannot gain any true joy by harming others. The ‘joy’ some get from harming others I would call false, like the ‘joy’ that comes from intoxication. Oppressors like Hugh Hefner are constantly drugged with lust and power but they are not happy. Not that we should allow them to continue harming others! But just to realize that they are not to be envied.

Sorry if this is incoherent — I haven’t really put this into words before so it’s a little disorganized.

Male supremacy ends when masculinity ends, which makes teaching men about feminism a part of overthrowing oppression.

My experience has shown me that men can feel annoyed by all the things that you call oppressive, but being that they are still on the top of the shitpile of patriarchal culture, they can’t really feel oppressed since they are only oppressing themselves. It’s your innate kindness that projects this feeling onto them, I suspect, and I find it more admirable than anything else.

and I added “Only Words” to my wishlist also, on your recommendation ;-)

“I don’t care to think of myself as a man”

YESSSSSSSSS. OMG yes. I consider myself genderfree — I may have female parts and be treated as a ‘girl/woman’ by society, but I am not a girl/woman, I am a PERSON. And I view all people this way and try to speak and live accordingly (which has created a LOT of annoyance, mainly among my more sexist friends).

though I have to say I find it a little ironic that you recommended one book for males and a different one for females. ;-) I can see the reasoning behind it, but I think that it is important to know how porn affects men whether you happen to have the same experience/body or a different one…

I think that I can understand a male human’s pain at being an unwilling oppressor (though I feel it differently of course) and I think that males can understand a female human’s pain at being oppressed. I used to be of the opinion that women suffered so much more that men’s suffering hardly mattered, but then I thought about how I would feel if I were male — being trained in such emotionally restrictive, lonely ways, feeling like I was never allowed to be vulnerable, hiding my feelings and having hardly anyone reach out, and then when I finally stop being numb, realizing that I am participating in hurting others simply by being part of a destructive structure, that even if I am the most enlightened and equalist person people will still see me as sexist, AND people see me as less of a person because supposedly my biology makes me insensitive/selfish/uncreative/unexpressive/animalistic/a rapist/etc — that is also a lot to overcome. I now feel that people suffer equally from sexism whether they are female or male — society cripples us all.

There’s a great book for men that’s about porn and how it affects men, that could go a long way to explaining to feminist-friendly men about what they are participating in when they view porn to get off. It’s called “Getting Off: Pornography and the End of Masculinity”. Don’t read it yourself unless you need to find out how truly sickening the world of porn can be.

For women, an inspiring but extremely passionate little essay by the immortal Catherine MacKinnon “Only Words” will shake you to the core of your soul. She is so incredibly brilliant in her reasoning, and builds her argument so solidly, piece by piece, that the sheer injustice of porn being legal becomes unbearably oppressive yet indisputable. She brought me to tears like three times before I had finished as many pages.

As for men being feminists, that’s something I have figured out just lately for myself. I agree that nobody who considers himself a man can ever be a feminist, and that there is nothing but contradiction in the term “feminist man”. For myself, I don’t care to think of myself as a man. I have the male sex parts, I conform to the patriarchal norms I probably shouldn’t, but I don’t want any part of masculinity and the so-called privileges that come with it. I just want to be a human being.

EXACTLY. Society defines male sexuality as using a woman for sexual pleasure (thanks to porn). Having sex with a woman makes you a ‘real man.’ Whereas a male having sex with a male (which is essentially what masturbation is) makes you no longer male, and it is difficult to be aroused by something that turns your whole identity upside down.

Also, porn turns sex into an act of consumption rather than an act of love. I think masturbation is an important part of a healthy relationship with yourself — you should be able to treat yourself with as much love, respect, and desire as you do your lover. But if sex is an act of consumption, then sex with yourself becomes cannibalism.

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I am VERY happy to have found your blog! I signed up just to comment ;-) do you have a livejournal? I am always happy to meet feminist men. I do believe men can be feminists — I define feminism as the belief that all human beings should be treated with equal respect. Obviously, one’s body parts certainly don’t prevent one from holding that belief.

I’m all for a natural outlet for our sex drives, something devoid of exaggeration and desperation. I can see no answer short of masturbation for teenaged boys and young men. Since we need to have some outlet, masturbation makes a lot of sense. The only problem is that when men masturbate to pornography they are teaching themselves to become aroused by artificially extreme sexual situations. Soon, you need this extreme titillation to get off as often as you think you need to get off. Next thing you know, you’re thinking it normal to expect women to do things far beyond the normal bounds of sexual communication in order to get you off because you know pornography far better than human beings.

If men masturbated without pornography, just thinking of their own arousal, enjoying their own dicks and all the feelings of stimulation, not depending on artificial and degrading stimulus to force themselves to come whether they really need to come or not, then I think we’d be closer to normalcy.

I think changing our cultural attitudes about male masturbation could do a lot to decrease misogyny and liberate women. I think it is strongly connected to men’s misperceptions of women. It is how men hypnotize themselves into becoming more and more angry at women.

I am often surprised by how freely our culture accepts the notions of sex as a purely physical act, a mere physiological drive, etc., yet here we have evidence that even masturbation has social aspects. It’s almost as if we are afraid to dwell too much on the idea that the Other exists for then we must acknowledge the humanity of that Other and treat him/her with the respect that demands.